Since becoming a doula I have been very privileged to see amazing births where mom and her partner were so connected and unbelievably in sync, I couldn't resist writing something to highlight the benefits of having a partner's support at the birth.
First a brief history- Men have not always been seen as or expected to be integral members of the birth support team. In some societies and cultures they are still not present during labor or at the time of birth. The difference in these cases is that these women are generally very well supported by female relatives, local midwives or traditional birth attendants. In our current birthing culture, women are separated from their usual support system, most of their family members have not attended or seen any births other than the delivery of their own children, and almost all babies are born in the hospital.
In the 1970's men started demanding to be present in the birthing room, instead of being placed in the waiting room while their wives gave birth. There was suddenly lots of pressure on a husband to be The Birth Coach. To be the unwavering, strong and supportive person for the laboring woman. This is a tremendous amount of pressure to put on anyone- but especially someone who has probably NEVER witnessed a birth, has surely NEVER given birth, and has probably has NO experience with birth at all. So, the husbands made it into the room- but, once they got there- what exactly were they supposed to be doing?!?
This is a really common question that I'm asked by couples and is one of the main reasons, I think, women want to hire a doula.They want and need the support of their partner, but neither one knows how their partner can be helpful. Seeing eager faces looking for suggestions and tips on how to help their partner is one of the perks of being a doula. Often the dads seem to have more questions and are so willing and excited to be supporting their partner for the birth of their baby.
The partner needs just as much encouragement and information as the mom. The main thing I focus on is to offer the partner different techniques for massage, encouraging words to say during labor, positions to help support mom and simply empowering them to feel they will be able to lovingly and confidently support their laboring partner.
There is still, after educating the partner on how to best support mom, a lot of pressure placed on this role. Not every person is comfortable to massage, may not feel they know what to say or do in the moment, and sometimes the length of labor or the actual reality of having their loved one in pain and not being able to "make it better" can be overwhelming. This is where having a doula can be so helpful. Sometimes, a small suggestion can change the course of a labor, and the couple will find their groove and start sailing through the contractions together. Other times, just giving dad a rest and getting him a snack can give him the time and energy he needs to continue supporting his partner.
In my experience as a doula so far, some of my fondest memories have been moments where partners have really connected and you can see they are truly working together to get their baby born. At a birth I attended recently, mom was having trouble coping with her very strong contractions during transition and was becoming slightly panicky. She really needed to focus on her breath, but at the same time needed strong hands to massage her back. Dad sat very close, they stared into each others' eyes, breathing through each contraction while I rhythmically rubbed mom's back. This was exactly what she needed to relax and soon after was 10cm dilated!
I've also seen partners lean in very close and quietly speak to each other, with dads offering encouragement and loving words to help mom relax and rest. Another time a partner vocalized with mom through all her contractions. It helped him feel that he was taking an active role and being helpful and he later told me that he wanted to make sure his wife didn't feel embarrassed to be loud during her contractions.
In each scenario the partner is doing what comes naturally. Not something that has been preplanned or written out as an expectation of him in advance. You can't plan how a birth will go. Just as women can't predict the positions they will assume in labor, the sounds they will make while giving birth, or the possible roadblocks thrown at them during their pregnancy or birth- partners cannot plan out how they will act or react to labor. The best they can do is prepare, think about hiring a support person to help with suggestions and to offer a second set of hands, and -most importantly- go into the place of birth with love and support for their powerful birthing partner.
First a brief history- Men have not always been seen as or expected to be integral members of the birth support team. In some societies and cultures they are still not present during labor or at the time of birth. The difference in these cases is that these women are generally very well supported by female relatives, local midwives or traditional birth attendants. In our current birthing culture, women are separated from their usual support system, most of their family members have not attended or seen any births other than the delivery of their own children, and almost all babies are born in the hospital.
In the 1970's men started demanding to be present in the birthing room, instead of being placed in the waiting room while their wives gave birth. There was suddenly lots of pressure on a husband to be The Birth Coach. To be the unwavering, strong and supportive person for the laboring woman. This is a tremendous amount of pressure to put on anyone- but especially someone who has probably NEVER witnessed a birth, has surely NEVER given birth, and has probably has NO experience with birth at all. So, the husbands made it into the room- but, once they got there- what exactly were they supposed to be doing?!?
This is a really common question that I'm asked by couples and is one of the main reasons, I think, women want to hire a doula.They want and need the support of their partner, but neither one knows how their partner can be helpful. Seeing eager faces looking for suggestions and tips on how to help their partner is one of the perks of being a doula. Often the dads seem to have more questions and are so willing and excited to be supporting their partner for the birth of their baby.
The partner needs just as much encouragement and information as the mom. The main thing I focus on is to offer the partner different techniques for massage, encouraging words to say during labor, positions to help support mom and simply empowering them to feel they will be able to lovingly and confidently support their laboring partner.
There is still, after educating the partner on how to best support mom, a lot of pressure placed on this role. Not every person is comfortable to massage, may not feel they know what to say or do in the moment, and sometimes the length of labor or the actual reality of having their loved one in pain and not being able to "make it better" can be overwhelming. This is where having a doula can be so helpful. Sometimes, a small suggestion can change the course of a labor, and the couple will find their groove and start sailing through the contractions together. Other times, just giving dad a rest and getting him a snack can give him the time and energy he needs to continue supporting his partner.
In my experience as a doula so far, some of my fondest memories have been moments where partners have really connected and you can see they are truly working together to get their baby born. At a birth I attended recently, mom was having trouble coping with her very strong contractions during transition and was becoming slightly panicky. She really needed to focus on her breath, but at the same time needed strong hands to massage her back. Dad sat very close, they stared into each others' eyes, breathing through each contraction while I rhythmically rubbed mom's back. This was exactly what she needed to relax and soon after was 10cm dilated!
I've also seen partners lean in very close and quietly speak to each other, with dads offering encouragement and loving words to help mom relax and rest. Another time a partner vocalized with mom through all her contractions. It helped him feel that he was taking an active role and being helpful and he later told me that he wanted to make sure his wife didn't feel embarrassed to be loud during her contractions.
In each scenario the partner is doing what comes naturally. Not something that has been preplanned or written out as an expectation of him in advance. You can't plan how a birth will go. Just as women can't predict the positions they will assume in labor, the sounds they will make while giving birth, or the possible roadblocks thrown at them during their pregnancy or birth- partners cannot plan out how they will act or react to labor. The best they can do is prepare, think about hiring a support person to help with suggestions and to offer a second set of hands, and -most importantly- go into the place of birth with love and support for their powerful birthing partner.
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